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Plastered Picks – Week 1

September 3, 2009

Forget Kirk and Herby, those two guys pander to a crowd of sober (edit: as a couple of readers with iron resolve have pointed out, not necessarily sober) people who got up at 7am to sit around and wait to show the world the sign they made last night. I swear to god, if those same people got together to protest government healthcare, the news would be a helluva lot more interesting. Instead of images of angry people being dragged out of town hall meetings, we’d see thousands of cardstock paper on tall sticks with something inappropriate like “Harry Reid hearts (insert picture of cartoony-looking penis here).” Where was I? Oh… right, predictions.

Now any fool can put down picks on paper and reason why they are solid, but what is the fun in that? Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you plastered picks, the weekly installment in which I sit down with a glass of fine spirits (likely Bourbon, the finest of them all) and in a moment of superior clarity, predict the outcome of the weekend’s games. Not all games will be picked (remember I’m working on borrowed time here), and spelling and grammar is not guaranteed to remain solid t he whole way through. You are encouraged to read these predictions while enjoying your poison of choice as well. So without further adieu:

South Carolina @ NC State (-4.5) – Look, truth is you can sit here all day and talk about how south cackalacky is young and Stephen Garcia is a head case and the wolf pack is a good team and what not or whatever… here’s what you need to know: Steve Spurrier isn’t gonna lose his  opener to an ACC squad. He’ll sneak suspended players Clifton Geathers and Ladi Ajiboye onto the field in some redshirt freshman’s jersey before he gets shamed in Raleigh. And while we know the term on spurs contract with the devil is runnin’ out, there’s still enough of it left to buy him a couple more wins that he technically shouldn’t get. Cocks cover the pack. (On a sidenote, I guarantee you before the season is over I will find an inappropriate way to use these guys in a sentence)

Virginny Tech vs. Alabammer (-6) – It’s all over folks. The investigation is over, and the findings are that the only violations Mark Ingram and Julio Jones were involved with likely happened out on that boat with an old white man, but as far as the NCAA is concerned, they are clear to play. Maybe the Hokies should have planted a “Roll Tide” Tee-shirt in the old white man’s house. Ingram and Jones’ being held out was the only shot the Hokies had at winning this game. That said, Bammer lost too many linemen to walk away with this one without a fight. VA Tech covers.

The Bulldawgs @ OK State Cowpokes (-5) – They serve kool-aid in vegas too, people. Hell, they serve whatever you want in vegas. But you don’t get whatever you want in Stillwater, even if your name is T. Boone Pickens, and the Cowboys ain’t gettin’ this win. If I wasn’t sure about the pokes losing this game before, hearing that craptastic new theme song of theirs sealed the deal. No team that hires some wanna-be craptacular country singer to write a not-fit-for-even-CMT garbage song as their personal anthem is going to see good things happen. OK State fans will want to forget this song, just like their 09 season, well before November gets here. Georgia wins, consider the points a gift.

Louisiana Tech @ Auburn (-13.5) – Say what? After last year’s public tar and feathering of the Barn program, I wouldn’t make them 13.5 point favorites over Greenbow Alabama High, much less a team returning 16 starters and coached by Derek by god Dooley! Don’t buy the Gus Malzahn hype. They said the same schitt about Tony Franklin, who sold video tapes on how to run the spread but couldn’t actually run it. Reason being: the spread fits at Auburn like a 300lb. woman fits into an attractive pair of jeans. Auburn will probably win this one, but they’ll make in interesting. LA Tech covers.

LSU @ Washington (+17.5) – Upon an earlier drinking binge I had gotten it in my head that this might be one of those app state michigan deals waiting to happen. Then reality set in and I said “fawk, this is Washington we’re talking about… their greatest claim to fame was a moment in which their QB was penalized for being excessively jubilant.” Good thing this game is on late, by that time, the rest of us will be too busy getting drunk and celebrating a Georgia win over OK State to care. Tigahs covah.

I was going to predict a Florida game too, but to predict a game, a team must actually play an opponent. Hosting charity events in which Tebow makes a case for a 2nd Heisman and a christian school from Charleston pockets a million dollars doesn’t count as a game. Now, take the above predictions and do as my friend Pulpwood Smith says: laugh yo ass to the bank.

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. RedCrake permalink
    September 3, 2009 11:51 am

    For the record, when I went down to Gameday at the Myers Quad last year, I most certainly was not sober. I smuggled in three 20oz Sprite Bottles full of Red Bull and Vodka.

    But I take your point.

  2. Nate permalink
    September 3, 2009 2:55 pm

    South Carolina game is at nc state btw

  3. Kevin permalink
    September 3, 2009 3:56 pm

    Getting to gameday early doesn’t mean you’re sober, it just means you’re up drinking at 4 am! I was in the same boat as RedCrake with some flasks of beamer.

  4. georgiadawg85 permalink*
    September 3, 2009 4:31 pm

    Thanks for the correction Nate. Plastered predictions often come at a price.

    Kevin and RedCrake – you guys are troopers.

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